(I actually typed this on my phone on Facebook and copied it here)
This will be the mos ridiculous status ever, and it's not meant to be a status, but I can't seem to write it on my deviant art journal so I am dumping it here.
I am free. Free of my obsession or love for Tom. And I confirm it, it was true honest heart felt love. A man cannot gain the credentials he has had, had this nine months thing not been love.
I spent 2 months denying, of course, because of the factual circumstances, but the more I did so, the more it hurt me, so I just gave in, and spent a lucky seven months in a pure bliss.
I owe him a lot, to be completely honest. He has hacked into my ivory castle and nearly broke down the tallest tower were I was sleeping peacefully. He had greatly - I thought at first - annihilated my Peter Pan complex, but with a second look, he just took off the unnecessary excess of it. I feel no more compelled to buy every doll I see, and that alone is great for my wallet; I can now focus on other things which have more productive value.
He also proved me that deep down somewhere in myself I am human. I night have the weirdest fetishes and turn inside, but a real genuinely normal man achieved what normally only fictional characters or mobsters could do and I found the experience absolutely thrilling and enjoying.
But one day I woke up and that feeling was gone. And it is first the better. A fan should nit live an actor as a woman should love her husband. I realized it later, much later after the facts but everything was leading to that, from me secrete wishing for him to get a girlfriend the soonest possible so I could get him out of my system, to, in opposition to that wish, feel my heart wrecked each time he was rumored by crazier possessive fans to be in a relationship with a woman.
I was very conscious from the beginning that I didn't want to meet him and even sending him a fan letter the first time took every bit of gut I had! And very much everything that happened in relation to him was simply too intense!
One day, probably at wake, I had this sentence in my mind "You were an outstanding albergue Tom, but I need to keep on going. You are not my destination." (Albergue is a cheap hotel for the Camino see Santiago pilgrimage) and in that sense Tom was a five star luxury hotel first free.
Second sign was my last wallpaper of him; unconsciously I chose 3 pics where he nit looking straight at the camera, sign if distance and communication disrupted.
And them the final undeniable one happened when Jonghyun took my heart. Though he is much milder and much more bearable! what kind of a fan can love an actor and not stand to watch the movies in which he stars?
I still a hell lot thankful to Tom and his influence over me. He seriously got me out my own he'll when I stumbled on him last summer. I was in the deepest level if a 3 year old depression, penniless, and no longer on medication (couldn't afford anymore) and even if I spent 2 months with my heart in a blender medieval rusty blade style, I am grateful for the seven months which followed. Thanks to him and his words, I decided it was pointless to carry on being drifted by the current of events around me; I was always afraid to use the damn paddles, it was anointing I'd start deciding my own direction on the ocean of life. "Love your life" was surely the greatest thing he could have said or done. That triggered the wheel of changes I needed to get back on track. I started to look at life with the spectrum of hope wiped clean.
Beginning of this year I decided I would eat healthy and slowly incorporated vegetables to my diet. I started to cook and create, explore and improvise recipes. I am an artist, I am never completely satisfied with pre-made things which are served to me. I need to create to feel alive and spying that to the kitchen was the beginning of a nice metamorphosis.
But yeah, living my life doesn't include me being sexually active neither in thought nor in practice and that was Tom's only... negative point? I always seen myself as a monk. I prefer having random flirty fun with random guys in my dream which only last the time of a dream. (Exception for the Blond Man who is constant in my night since I'm 8).
Tom also has left me with one last lesson; facing my fears and go beyond what I hate, because hatred is very energy consuming. In a dream, he was watching a belly dancer on stage and applauded her at the end. I thought that the next day I'd see every fan girl do that, and was happy that he had such devoted fans.
I woke up, went to pee, came back, fell asleep and dreamed that I bought a costume exactly as the dancer and was putting it on. And this is the odd part: in dreams, men are 3 things: allies, targets or casual flirts. I never do things to please them. So it surprised and scared me that I would do that for him. But in the e d it became a great idea! I just needed the next teacher to finish the lesson.
At first I thought of dancing to wave your flag by K'Nan and David Bisbal but I wasn't too comfortable with my body yet and what flag would I wave? To what greater entity do my soul belong? I thought this morning the Templar's flag would fit me but I am not on a crusade.
Then SHINee came in my world and the one sing which got me all gaga-googoo also revealed itself be true in the meaning if the lyrics (which I finally was curious to get in English a week later) love is dead prisoner in my head. It's funny how the soul and the subconscious know instantly in advance what is to come, the consciousness is just a blind stubborn fucker in a constant denial or state of chosen ignorance.
So, now, my new influence, because, as much soft caring feelings and endearment he inspired me, it is not love like Tom was, at least not that raw primal sort of, is pushing me to the next level of my development like a new wave would push my boat closer to shore. Looking at him, I feel like looking at an ideal masculine version of myself, which inspired me to double efforts in being more self aware, healthy and appreciate myself as I am, and look forward what I could be, like creating the me that I had been pushing away like a homework I'd do at the last minute before giving it in to my teacher.
As for the tattoo, it's a sign if appreciation if his work on me. I knew, before I got it done that one day soon I wouldn't have the intensely devoted love feelings I had when I got it done, but the tattoo and it's purpose are still very much valid! Instead of tattooing the name of an ancient prophet of whom I wasn't sure how to spell the name, I got a modern one's of which I was certain of the spelling.
And I will get the new teacher's name too because he is also special n my heart, and I'm certain he will achieve great outcomes through inspiration.
I am finally in peace. Was a great adventure but I am ready to fully embrace the next chapter.
As for what I wrote about this in the past, what I claimed I felt, they are still very valid. I had genuine real live feelings for Tom, I just no longer feel them in my heart, and I am not the type to clang on to the past. Men in my life don't tend to last long, he was the newest record and the lily tattoo is also a reflection if his uniqueness in a bizillion topics in my life.
I am the wandering monk and it was time I got back on my path.