EDIT

I just learned today that a fellow artist who watches me and my other account (~Dollinator) he's soo adorable and very talented musician - has released his first EP on Bandcamp !!! for free so go foken have a listen !! and drop him a few good words eh   Veryyy good guitars and rhythms people and a pretty awesome singing talent (Gary - loooove your voice dude !!)  

[link]

thank you for your attention - you may go back to your usual stuff now





Where to start ... where to start.

Normally I would just spit it out but this deserves a bit more introduction, context and back story.

Gosh darn, I don't even know how the fuck I should say this.

No it's not a coming out of the closet issue. That would be actually easier.

So basically i been looking for myself these last 20 years. Physically speaking, my style, career wise, expression wise... I spent so many years trying to become something i am not and something i could never become made me loose a precious amount of years!

I always loved arts, and I'm a rather very creative person. I been writing stories since I'm 10 more or less. I was drawing since an even earlier age! But throughout my life, my artistic abilities were repressed, instead of accepted and encouraged. I was wasting paper and ink and liquid paper, instead of creating entertaining fiction. I was wasting paper and colored pencils, instead of creating a nice drawing or illustration. So with time, I sort of quit on myself. When my own sister tried to encourage me, my parents repressed her too ! The only people that actually supported me were my teachers and my friends at school and I am eternally grateful to them. They are my true family! You know how teenagers have photos of their idols in their lockers ? I had drawings of my characters in mine ! In art class, when we had to draw portraits, yet again I drew my characters. They helped me throughout my youth, since in my stories i could find what i lacked in real life. Support from a dear and important person. I know it sounds stupid but it helped me grow independent. Since my parents never encouraged me, I found other ppl to do so and to approve of my work ! With time, they became more important and valuable than my real family. But they also - no - I trapped myself in an ivory tower. And this ivory tower kept me from living the real life. Some would say it's a vicious circle, because once you are comfortable in your tower, you don't see the point of getting out of it. (Ps - this also explains why I love Disney's tangled movie so much ! Rapunzel is the only princess i can relate to, and I always had long hair, so before the Disney version became popular, she was still my fave fairy tale).  

Over the years, there was one window to the outside world and that window is Photography. I started loving photography in grade school when we went out with the class on outside School trips. I tried to take nice pictures of what I saw and experienced to show them to my parents. It continued through out high school too, where I pushed the experience a bit further and posed my dolls (yes i been doing that for a long time! but dolls are perfect subjects).

Fast-forwarding life to 2001 I think, when I got my first ever digital camera ! It was a Nova (by Nikon) at 100$ at a local electronics shop here in Montreal. The second day after the new year ... or even on the first of January ... I was over there to purchase it ! The next day I was the cemetery to experiment it and lemme tell ya I looooooooved the experience !

Since that first camera, and including it, I had Nova, Canon Powershot A80, Kodak Easy Share Z740, Canon Powershot SX 10 IS, Canon Eos 50D, Nikon D3100, Canon Powershot 3500 SD, Canon Rebel T3i .... jeepers: 9 cameras ! But heck - a photographer can Never have too many cameras! And some are very old, and not used, or given to friends or broken (the first Powershot A80 is not even working properly, the screen simply won't show any image since long ago)

You are seeing where I am going, right ?

I been taking photos since ever and photography became one of the main ways I could finally express my creativity! And I don't know if it's my looks or what, but since ever, when I go out and I shoot random things that ppl wouldn't normally even look at, I am asked if I am a professional photographer. The first time, it occurred in 2004, at the Cemetery when I was shooting the up close and personal details of an old tree's texture.

Over the years, and especially as of recent, when I got my first DSLR (digital single lens reflex - aka the Canon Eos 50D, named Philippe) I been asked that question more and more ! And I thought - I am not a professional, but I could become one ! And so, the seed was planted. Or - the shot was snapped

I worked on my own, I practised, i experimented, I followed trends (water drops on flowers or leaves, water on Cd, flowers with bokeh background) but I am better off when I create my own vision of the world. And with time, I thought that, to build myself a credible credibility, I should study seriously to become acknowledged and accepted as a professional photographer. And even though the fact that I have about 11 years and over of practice, I could learn more. For example how to get to a result quickly without spending 10 shots with 10 combinations of settings to get to the result which I want. And how light works in a studio, and how to do commercial and wedding photography. I could create awesome scenery, but I wouldn't refuse a hand, a tip, a little help to get me started.

I applied in photography at Dawson college in 2010, but got the refusal letter in 2011 - they seemingly lost some papers of mine and so couldn't accept me. Ohkay. The shock was terrible, but in 2011 when I got that letter, I was actually happy working in an office. When that dream totally died on me because there was no work for me and I spent more time Looking Busy rather than Actually Doing something useful, I thought I should try my luck at the Concordia university. So i prepared a portfolio and I subscribed. Another refusal. My portfolio was not the type of things they accepted from future students. Obviously I was crushed. This year, about 2 weeks before the deadline, I subscribed to yet another college in Photography, and awaited anxiously the letter. Of course and furthermore - obviously ! - I was refused, yet again. No more spaces available.  It seemed my that ... everything I did was never enough. That is the downside of living in a big popular city such as Montreal. But the last college did recommend I apply to yet another college further away (not say on the pimple on the nose of this province) in a city called Matane, which is in the region of Gaspésie. So I did. Of course. I mean I had nothing to loose. And I am battling a depression since last year November (well, actually it started in April, when I quit my office job because I was wasting my days re-arranging paper clips) so, one more subscription didn't made that much of a difference. I even liked the whole procedure of making photocopies and posting them. Lol. Though, I was actually excited about it, maybe the novelty of the whole thing got to me ? The dream, the expectation of this opportunity far away. But of course, with time, I sort of lost hope and I was ready to move on and forget this whole dang thing.

This week, Tuesday, I was praying before I slept and I honestly asked God to kick my ass (yes I speak with him with crude human words) so that I would Finally begin to live my life because, if I would stay long on this road, I am afraid of something irreparable that i would have committed. And whaddya know. The Dude is heavenly efficient. The next day, May the 16th, I got the letter from Collège de Matane. I am accepted into the photography program for the Fall 2012 session.

And someone please tell me WHY the first reaction I got was fear ? When I was accepted into college at O'Sullivan, into Medical Archives technique, in 2005 or 6 I was dead thrilled jumping all around like a hyperactive on redbull.

But a little pep talk with my best friend =f-ix - and I am eternally grateful to have him in my life - put me right back on track ! Then I announced it to my other closest friends and they are all thrilled for me !

I guess I am afraid, because at my venerable age, I have almost no living experience ? I once ran away to live in an apartment but, I had to come back to my parent's house after 8 months, because i couldn't keep up with the bills with the lame little jobs I had.

But then, I can't but think of two very fine young woman I know and whom I admire and who both left their far way countries to live over seas and are doing beyond well !! `Exillior for example and my dear friend Adriana who came from Columbia ! not even speaking French ! She came to a whole new country, a whole new political and social system, she learned a new language from scratch, found an apartment and a job, and made new friends ! And I am afraid of moving to another city in my own friggin province ! And on top, it's a quiet little city almost on the sea ! My fucking dream ! Just imagine the landscapes, the possibilities ! And that college has an excellent rate of job placement after graduation! I don't know if their 100% is a fact or a pretty pampered lie but - I gotta try it ! I gotta cease this chance and go through it ! For Pete's sake i'm 28 and I can't live for ever with my parents, being on depression and getting fatter by the minute !

In other news, I got myself a tablet. A Wacom Bamboo Create so I will practising that. I might upload some sketch dumps to my tumblr [link] and it's Ailime, because normally on the net, I am Ailime. I chose Zemimsky because when I joined back deviant art, Ailime was already taken (since it was mine) and now i don't want to change my current name because i really like it So ... yeah. I also downloaded paint tool Sai and I am sort of exploring it ... but don't expect vector illustration like the puffies in my gallery ! Those are 2 days works on Photoshop ! I will need time to get accustomed to first the tablet, then the software, and the whole combination. But I love handling it !!

So yeah. If you are still living and are conscious. congratulations. you made 'til the end. And now you know this awesome fantastic big news

video of the day

[link]